Why Clint Never Takes Dating Advice From Others
by Selene Illusinia
Summary: Or, why you never take dating advice from an astrophysicist, an Asgardian, or any member of the Avengers. Poor Clint Barton...Unrelated to any of my currently running stories.


**And another prompt. This one was found on Avengers Assemble and posted by an _Anonymous_.**

**Prompt:**

**Darcy has had it up to the ceiling with the UST.**

**So she plots and schemes to get everyone to get together, essentially becoming the superhero + heroine matchmaker of epic proportions. Norse Gods and Goddesses? Check (If she can taser one, she can make matches for them), Her Mother!Loki? Fucking Check! Father!Tony? Check! Avengers? Check! X-Men? Check! Random SHIELD Agents? Check! Everyone thinks that she is doing this because she's sexually frustrated herself and in turn realize that Clint kinda has a thing for her.**

**Cue Thor leading the Warriors Three and the Avengers trying to get Clint in situations to woo Darcy. He admits he likes her but thinks that using Disney and Twilight as reference points is not the way to go.**

**Writers can choose whatever pairing they want, but endgame is Darcy/Clint.**  
><strong>Bonus for NatashaPepper though...**  
><strong>Double Bonus for Fandral being used as a potential suitor for Darcy<strong>  
><strong>Triple Bonus for Nick Fury just wanting everyone to keep it in the pants at the work office.<strong>

* * *

><p>"Has anyone noticed Darcy seems a little...tense recently?" asked Steve uneasily.<p>

Beside him, Tony chuckled and pat the super-soldier on the shoulder. "Aw, what's wrong Steve? Darce making you uncomfortable?"

Steve blushed but was saved when Natasha snorted in a rather undignified show. "She needs a good night with a man. Or woman. Either would suffice."

The choking of Steve Rogers was ignored by everyone but Jane who gently patted the man on the back as everyone else laughed. Most of the Avengers along with a few stragglers within the group were gathered in the break room to hold an impromptu meeting concerning Darcy's rather...fevered attempts to pairing up _everyone_ she knew. Tony and Steve were seated across from Natasha and Pepper while Jane and Thor sat to their left. They had invited Dr. Banner, but he declined in favor of finding a place to hide. Apparently, turning into a large, green ball of rage made the idea of dating unappealing. Clint had just disappeared somewhere and no one seemed to know where he was. This had left Thor, Tony, Steve, and Natasha who had suggested grabbing Pepper and Jane as well. Now all three of them were sitting around, attempting to determine the source of Darcy's strange behavior.

Of course, when Jane asked her almost two weeks ago, the girl had just muttered something about UST and continued to scribble in a notebook using a language the scientist had recognized only as Norse. She was going to blame Loki for that. The man-woman-god-whatever he was choosing to be at the moment had been hanging around Darcy and was probably to blame for a lot of the intern's current obsession.

"Does anyone know, I don't know, why she's doing this?" asked Tony mildly. He'd given up on attempting to comfort Steve. Jane was pretty sure the man's face would be permanently stained red.

"Well, I asked her about it a while back and she muttered something about UST," replied Jane uncertainly.

Natasha grinned. "As I said, she needs a good man or woman. Does anyone know her preference?"

"Now, now Natasha, we don't know that its her _own_ UST that has her doing all of this," pointed out Pepper. "Perhaps she is simply sick of everyone _else_ looking at each other like they want to pounce one another."

Tony nodded in agreement. "Pep's got a point, though a guy/girl/god could serve as a good distraction too."

"Guy/girl/god?" questioned Thor. "Are you proposing to ask my brother to pursue Lady Darcy? If so, be aware that he will likely say no as he is quite fond of Sif..."

"Not even gonna touch on that one big guy," assured Tony with a roll of his eyes. "I just wanted, ya know, encompass everyone Darcy _could_ want to pursue in one statement."

"Pursue?" asked Natasha with a raised eyebrow. "The woman simply needs to get _laid_."

Thor nodded sagely. "Laying with a good man can have very positive effects on a woman."

"What about that blond dude from the Three Warriors or whatever?" suggested Tony.

"Fandral?" asked Thor. "That is a marvelous idea! He is quite taken with Lady Dar-"

"No," insisted Jane firmly. Everyone looked at her with raised or furrowed eyebrows save Thor who was giving her puppy-dog eyes.

A feral grin crept across Natasha's lips as she leaned forward. "I sense a story. Spill."

"Indeed," insisted Thor. "Why would Fandral not be a sufficient male to lay with Lady Darcy? He certainly has attracted the vast majority of women in Asgard to his bed."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Because Darcy would eat him alive. Literally. The last time he came to visit, she threatened to taze him five times."

"That isn't bad for her-" started Tony but Jane cut him off.

"Let me finish," she insisted. "Darcy threatened to taze him five times in a span of three hours. She didn't even give verbal warning the sixth time, just shot at him. Fandral is out."

Thor winced at the memory of his own tazing. "What did the good Fandral do to receive such a threat?"

"Attempted to act, in Darcy's words, 'like a chauvinistic asshole who won't let me do anything'," explained Jane with a sigh. "Maybe we should ask Agent Barton."

One of Natasha's eyebrows rose elegantly at the girl. "And what, pray tell, would Clint know that could help us?"

Jane just shrugged. "I don't know, but its worth a try. He _is_ Darcy's assigned guard after all."

Natasha's other eyebrow joined the first while Pepper started snickering a little. "Really, and who told you that Clint was assigned to protect Darcy?"

Jane flushed a little. "Agent Barton did."

"Mhm," hummed Natasha, a sly smirk starting to spread over her lips. Pepper had a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. "And why is he protecting Darcy as opposed to you? You _are_ the genius astrophysicist after all."

"Because I have Thor," blushed Jane. "He said that Darcy is a civilian without someone to keep her from being kidnapped though, so she had been assigned a detail."

"Dear god, I need to teach that boy to lie better," sighed Natasha as Pepper finally broke down into full-blown laughter. Tony had joined her by now, understanding exactly what had transpired.

Thor scratched his chin slightly. "I do not understand. Clint Barton seems to have answered all of your questions with viable answers."

By now, Jane had dropped her head to the table and was muttering about her own gullibility. Steve was about as confused as Thor and looking at Natasha for answers.

"Basically, Clint lied about Darcy needing a guard so he could pose as one and follow her around like the love-sick puppy he is," explained Natasha gleefully.

Jane's head shot up off her arms. "He won't stalk her, will he?"

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Definitely not. I mean no offense to Darcy when I say this, but if Clint intended to stalk anyone, he would have done so to me when I left him." For a moment, the Russian woman paused to consider something. The smirk reappeared. "Although, if you ever find yourself in a position to sleep with Clint, take it. The man is a god in bed."

Steve turned an almost unnatural shade of red. Pepper cocked an eyebrow. "Do I need to be worried Tasha? I'm not above having someone threatened if need be."

Natasha just laughed and wrapped a possessive arm around Pepper. "Don't worry my dear, I won't be going back to him. Just a word of advice to anyone else who chooses to listen."

Tony leaned back, rubbing his chin in consideration. "He's good, eh? Sounds intriguing."

Steve growled a little. "Tony..."

"What? I was kidding!" exclaimed Tony with a pout.

Jane cleared her throat uneasily. "Can we get back to discussing Darcy?"

Tony cocked an eyebrow as he leaned back with his arms over his head. "Are we actually gonna do anything about that? She's not hurting anyone."

"Yes, we are," confirmed Natasha. A mischievous grin that would have made Loki proud broke across her face. "I say we assist Clint in his attempts."

"Will he agree?" asked Thor. "He has not sought council on the matter from anyone."

"Leave that to me," insisted Natasha. "Just gather some material to assist Clint in his pursuit. Anything indicating the type of men Darcy favors if preferable."

Jane nodded. "I have a key to her apartment. We'll have everything by tonight."

* * *

><p><em><strong>The Next Day...<strong>_

"I hear you've been causing trouble Clinton."

The only reason Clint didn't jump out of his skin was the fact that he'd trained himself not to. "Hey Tasha."

Natasha slid gracefully from the shadows, smirk plastered to her lips. "You know, lying is a bad habit to get into."

One of Clint's eyebrows rose. "This coming from you? That's a laugh."

"Yes, but I don't lie _badly_," pointed out Natasha.

Clint winced. "Who said I'd been lying about anything to anyone?"

The smirk widened to a feral grin. "Assigned guard for an intern? Really?"

A groan rose from Clint's throat as he threw down the towel in his hands and dropped onto the locker room bench. "What do you want Tasha? To tease me about falling for a girl who's over a decade younger than me? I already feel like a dirty old man without your help."

"Hardly," dismissed Natasha as she came to stand before him. For a moment, her eyes traced the muscles on his naked torso and she thought about just _how_ good he was before shaking away the thoughts. "I'm here to help you, believe it or not."

Clint looked up at her heavily. "Do I have a choice?"

"No."

Sighing, he grabbed the shirt beside him and pulled it on before throwing his towel in the open locker behind him. "Alright, lets get this over with."

* * *

><p>Thor grinned as he opened the door to his and Jane's shared quarters. "Ah, friends! Enter! My fair Jane has gathered all materials she believes would be relevant to educating our brother in arms in the art of wooing Lady Darcy."<p>

Natasha beamed at the Norse God as she dragged Clint inside. "Excellent!"

In the room, piles of magazines, movies, and books lay scattered around the room, most of which were being examined by members of the Avengers who had agreed to this chaos or one of the five other Asgardians in the room. Loki looked up as Clint and Natasha entered, waving from his place sprawled on the couch beside Sif. Clint swore Loki's chest was bigger than when he last saw the currently-female god. Er, goddess. He still wasn't sure what sex to actually _refer_ to Loki as at this point. Sif was curled against Loki, looking perfectly happy with the mischief makers current form and examining a Disney movie, _Mulan_. Loki was holding a copy of Cosmo. Across from them, the Warrior's Three were bowed over a series of movies that Clint thought might be the Twilight movies. In fact, looking around, the archer realized with horror that most of the movies in the room were Disney movies with the exception of the Twilight series. The Twilight books were also represented along with a pile of trashy-looking romance novels. Thoughts of running momentarily crossed his mind before Natasha clamped a hand on his shoulder and steered him into a seat.

"Alright Thor, I am going to leave this up to you and Jane," insisted Natasha with a smirk. "You two know Darcy the best, after all. If Clint attempts to run, tie him down."

Jane glanced at Natasha from where she was looking over another Cosmo magazine with Pepper. "You're leaving?"

Natasha nodded. "Someone needs to ensure that Darcy doesn't discover our plans before they come to fruition."

"True," confirmed Jane with a smile as Natasha walked out of the room.

"Uh, guys? I don't think this is going to work..." started Clint. "I mean, I've spent a lot of time around Darcy and this really doesn't seem like the kind of thing she'd like..."

"Please, we got the idea to use this stuff from her room," scoffed Tony. "Like we wouldn't do our research."

Clint eyed the movies uneasily. "Yeah, I think you guys got the wrong room."

"No, we didn't," insisted Jane with a roll of her eyes. "I know which rooms belong to Darcy. Now, pay attention. We've been examining how these men," motioning to the movies and books, "act and this is what you're going to do..."

* * *

><p>Clint couldn't believe he was doing this. Really, he couldn't believe it. He looked like some fruity guy who escaped from the Renaissance fair. His old circus costume looked less emasculating.<p>

After five hours of Disney and Twilight clips interspersed with Jane's lecture on how to act, Thor and the others had more or less forcefully wrestled him into a half-unbuttoned shirt that showed off most of his chest, a pair of tight blue jeans, and short-heeled boots. They had then proceeded to dump more gel into his hair than Clint had honestly thought existed and spiked it up before throwing a hand-full of glitter at him, handing him a rose, and dragging him into HQ. Of course, Clint fought them the whole time but between Thor and the rest of the Warrior's Three he'd had no chance. The worse part was that Clint _knew_ Loki knew this wouldn't work, but the God/Goddess had opted not to say anything. The bastard.

Yeah, Clint could probably sneak out of HQ at this point without getting caught, but the problem was that he'd heard Jane radio Natasha. And she would track him down if he tried to escape.

Which is how Clint found himself stomping unhappily down the halls of S.H.I.E.L.D HQ covered in glitter and looking like a Renaissance Fair reject. This was only made worse by the fact that everyone was staring at him as if he were just that. Stark and the rest of them were dead, except Steve and the Asgardians. He'd have to find another form of hell for those seven.

He was so distracted by his thoughts of exactly how he was going to torture his tormentors that Clint found himself smacking into an open door. Glancing up from his place on the floor, the archer silently cursed his fate. Fury was staring down at Clint with an unreadable look on his face. Though if he had to guess, it was somewhere between 'what the fuck is my best archer doing dressed like that' and 'must not laugh, must not laugh, must not laugh'.

"Is there something I need to be aware of, Agent Barton?" questioned Fury mildly.

Clint gulped and shook his head. "No, sir."

Fury sighed and offered Clint a hand up. However, once the archer was on his feet, the Director leaned in close. "Just keep it in your pants while at work. And tell the others to do the same. I won't ask what kind of weird game your all playing, or what Miss Lewis has to do with all of this, but I don't want to catch anyone doing anything...unprofessional during work hours. Got it?"

Clint nodded quickly. "Yes, sir."

"Good," replied Fury as he stepped back. "Carry on soldier."

The shaky breath Clint let out as soon as Fury was gone only reinforced his previous visions of torturing and killing the other Avengers. Yeah, there was no way he was going through with this. He could go hide _somewhere_ from Natasha. There had to be a place the Russian woman couldn't find him.

"Clint?"

Clint froze as Darcy's voice echoed from behind him. Praying he was suffering from auditory hallucinations as a direct result of the humiliation of being caught like this by Fury, he glanced back and started cursing fate again. Darcy was standing right behind him, a look of 'what the fuck are you wearing' decorating her face. Clearly, she was trying not to laugh.

"Hey Darcy," muttered Clint as he turned to face the astrophysics intern, eyes glued to the ground. "What are you doing here?"

A faint smirk crossed Darcy's lips. "I work here, remember?" The smirk became a grin. "What happened to you? Loose a bet?"

_I wish,_ thought Clint unhappily, but he nodded none the less. "Yeah. With Stark."

Darcy chuckled. "Yeah, Stark isn't someone you want to bet against. He has a tendency to do things like break into your room with your boss."

Clint felt the color drain from his face. "Uh..."

"Yeah, those two aren't as sneaky as they like to think they are. Especially when Thor is with them," explained Darcy as she grabbed Clint's hand and pulled him towards the woman's bathroom. "Plus, they forgot to check and see if I was actually home."

He honestly hadn't thought it was possible to be _more_embarrassed about any of this than he already was, but somehow knowing Darcy had been inside her room when Jane, Stark, and Thor had apparently raided it for their 'research material' made it worse. "You were in there? How did they not realize that?"

"They didn't check the bathroom." Sticking her head into the bathroom on the floor, Darcy pushed open the door when she was sure it was empty and pulled Clint inside despite his protests. She then locked the door and turned to examine him. Clearly, she was trying not to laugh. "I didn't know _why _they were breaking in, and all I could really understand was something about 'research material' and 'Darcy's preferences' but I'm guessing this has something to do with the fact that you lied about my needing a guard so you could follow me around."

Even Clint's extensive training as a soldier, black ops member, and S.H.I.E.L.D agent couldn't stop the bright blush that covered his cheeks. Or the choking that followed. "You knew?"

Darcy did laugh then, though it was more of a soft chuckle, even as she dipped a paper towel in the sink. "No shit dude. Mostly, it was because when I went to Fury demanding to know why he felt like I needed a jack-booted thug following me around, he insisted I hadn't been assigned a guard. Even I could put it together at that point."

Reaching up, she started wiping the glitter off his face, even as she continued. "So, I'm guessing that either Jane, Thor, Stark, or Natasha thought raiding my room for any indication of what I liked in men was a good idea."

"Natasha," muttered Clint, murder in his voice.

Darcy shrugged. "Wouldn't have been my first guess, but I can see it." Stepping back to wet another paper towel, her eyes ran over him once before she shook her head and went back to her task. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but why are you dressed like this? I mean, I get its there idea, but why like this?"

"Twilight and Disney," sighed Clint as he leaned back against the counter. "They found a ton of Disney movies and Twilight stuff in your room."

A look of horror momentarily crossed Darcy's face before she broke into laughter. And kept laughing. Until she almost fell over. The only thing that kept her from making an ungraceful addition to the bathroom floor was the counter.

Clint just stared at her. "Darcy?"

One of her fingers came up in the universal sign for 'give me a minute'. With some effort, she managed to stop laughing and straighten up. "Sorry, Clint. Its just, none of that stuff is mine. Well, the Twilight stuff is but that's because I keep it around for when I just need a good laugh. Plus, when you troll the obsessive Twilight fans it helps to actually know your stuff. I didn't even buy the books, my cousin left them at my apartment when she came to visit me once while I was in Undergrad and she was looking at schools."

The archer's eyes widened. "And the Disney movies?"

"I used to babysit my two youngest cousins and they loved Disney," explained Darcy. "I kept the movies so I can give them to my youngest nephew in a month."

"Which is why the movies were out," groaned Clint. "Jane said the movies were sitting in a pile next to the TV like you'd just watched them."

Darcy chuckled. "Which I kind of had. Its been so long since I played any of the movies, I had to let each one run to make sure they all still worked."

Clint groaned. "So I walked into S.H.I.E.L.D HQ dressed like a Renaissance Fair reject because Jane, Thor, and Tony made assumptions based on what they could see." He paused for a second, considering what he'd just said. "Cosmo?"

"Cousin," replied Darcy with a shrug. "She kept those specific ones for one reason or another and I keep meaning to send them back."

With another groan, Clint lightly banged his head against the glass mirror in the bathroom. "I'm going to kill them all."

Darcy laughed softly and turned back on the water in the sink, ducking his head down so she could wash the hardened gel that was used to spike his hair out. Closing his eyes, Clint just enjoyed the feel of her fingers running through his hair over and over again. After a minute or two, Clint was pretty sure the action was unnecessary but he allowed her to continue until she turned off the water. Without thinking, he lifted his head just as Darcy turned with a wad of paper towels in her hands.

One of her eyebrows rose then she shrugged. "Eh, I was gonna recommend taking off the shirt anyway. It makes you look gay."

Clint blinked for a moment, the realized that by lifting his head without drying his hair, he had successfully soaked the shoulders, back, and limited front of his shirt. "Dammit.."

Darcy's hands returned to his hair, this time with paper towels. "Eh, you're a guy. Walking around without a shirt on isn't illegal."

"No," he groaned, "but Fury just gave me a speech about 'keeping it in my pants while on the clock'."

"He just gave you the lecture?" asked Darcy curiously. "Huh, he gave me that one almost three weeks ago when I left a copy of Maria Hill's file on his desk."

Both of Clint's eyebrows shot up. "Seriously?"

Darcy matched his two with one of her own. "Seriously? You _haven't_ noticed the way she stares at him like she wants to eat him alive?"

"Of course I have," admits Clint with a shake of his head. "I'm more surprised you tried to set up Fury."

"I did more than tried," stated Darcy with a grin. "Maria looks much happier now than she _ever_ did before."

Clint shook his head again. "Unbelievable. So if you're even setting up Fury, why, dare I ask, haven't you tried to set me up yet?"

"Well, for one thing I don't think Coulson is really your type," started Darcy, almost cracking up again when Clint choked on air for the second time that day. "For another, I was waiting to see if you got up the balls to ask _me_ out so I wouldn't have to tackle you to the ground and make out with you until you _passed_ out."

For a second, shock and uncertainty warred in his mind along with curiosity. Curiosity won out. "Uhuh, and how long until you executed option B?"

She shrugged, grinning. "I was gonna give you until the end of today."

"Hmm," hummed Clint, feeling his confidence come back. "Well, option B _is_ appealing, I figure we can do that even if _I_ take the initiative and ask you out."

"Definitely," assured Darcy as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "But remember, Fury said we have to play nice at work."

Clint glanced at his watch, then leaned down to kiss Darcy until they had to breath. "Good thing my shift and yours ended thirty seconds ago."


End file.
